Ayahuasca: An Unexpected Journey

The mystical Grandmother Spirit of the Amazon, known to encourage deep introspection and insight, provide wisdom and connect us to our ancestors. A medicine that has been used by natives of South America for over 1000 years, served by Shamans in ceremony and ritual. 

I was intrigued by Ayahuasca from the moment I learned of her existence. An opportunity to connect spiritually with my ancestors and heal my inner child? Take my money. For years I would research her. Podcasts, articles, documentaries, all of it. I had heard time and time again of pivotal moments experienced, clear wisdom on one's purpose and huge downloads of knowledge. It wasn’t a case of if, it was a case of when I was going sit with the mystical Grandmother.  

‘When’ swung around 6 months after moving to Costa Rica and I find myself on a 5 day retreat, deep in the jungle of Nosara, in ceremony with 3 other spiritually seeking women. 

I was anxious, rightly so, aware of the power of the plant and regarding her with the highest respect. 1 cup goes down, I sit to meditate, and quietly wait for the show to begin. Here I am Mama Aya, what have you got for me?

Some light psychedelic visuals follow, but nothing I hadn’t experienced before. Time for a second cup, and this one is a stronger dose. I go back to my mattress, buckle up my spiritual seatbelt and prepare for my world to be rocked. 

An hour later, I’m twiddling my thumbs. This is fairly underwhelming, I might even utter the D word… disappointed. Disappointed and nauseous would sum up the experience thus far. 

I go to the toilet, speak to a facilitator and decide to try for a 3rd cup. As soon as I sit back down, my chest caves and I begin to sob, but it takes me by surprise. It’s not me sobbing, it’s my body, and I’m witnessing it thinking, how bizarre, I didn’t realize this emotional release was brewing. 

The next 4 hours were spent in a repetitive cycle of feeling nauseous, trying to purge, being frustrated that couldn’t, which prompts me to sob more. Over and over, on repeat. I can only describe what follows as being completely submerged in all of my darkness.

I am very good at getting on with life. I know my unhealthy habits when I’m feeling low and rarely let myself go there. I pride myself on always being able to see a silver lining and finding humor in almost all situations. Whilst this is something I love about myself, it also means I neglect and suppress my sadness, grief and despair. For 4 hours I was made to sit in all of my darkness that I had not let myself feel. All of the guilt and stress on my nervous system from leaving home and starting from scratch again. All the feelings of solitude and isolation since childhood. The frustration of my spirit asking for help and feeling like no one is listening. It was Aya saying here you go positive Polly, here’s everything difficult you’ve avoided feeling for as long as you can remember. 

Ayahuasca is a medicine that is not meant to stay in the body. It’s consumed, does its thing and then clears out, this process takes just as long as it’s supposed to take to get the job done. The purging might be physical; the same route it went down, sweating, crying, shivering or any other means necessary. 

After 4 hours squirming in the pit of my darkness, it was ready to be released. 

There is a saying- trauma + time = comedy. It’s not uncommon for comedians to have deeply traumatic pasts and depressive episodes. Their darkness is what feeds their light. Whilst I’m no comedian (although I am the funniest person I have ever met so far), my ability to laugh and make people laugh is one of the things I love the most about myself. I realized that little bit of darkness still within me, not able to be bought out, is what feeds that light. 

The following day I was still deeply emotional, puffy from the tears and still nauseous. In fact, the next 48hours I was still extremely tender. I felt short changed, with no offering from the Grandmother of advice or guidance. More questions, no answers, and no sign of any cosmic being listening, let alone caring. 

3 days later, the facilitator invites me back to another ceremony that following weekend. The answer was obvious. Yes.

My second sitting with Aya, 9 days later, could not have been a more polarized experience. For starters I had little expectation for any profound downloads, I was totally at ease with just having the journey I was meant to have. I remained indifferent to the nausea, the aggressive hissing pythons in my mind and even the moment I was swallowed whole by a serpent, like I was cocooned inside a giant condom. There was no fear because in place of fear, was love. Abundance of love, gratitude and joy. I smiled, laughed and felt formless. Leaving the restrictions of my physical body and feeling the expansiveness of my soul, witnessing it merge with everything in the universe.

I lovingly held the 20 year old version of me at dance college and realized how proud she is for taking these steps and living this life I had always wanted. I felt all of the younger versions of me layered inside like Russian dolls, with anticipated excitement about the next layer of myself being added. 

Usually aggravating things became trivial. I didn’t care about my acned skin or bloated tummy. I was indifferent, and trusting of the healing potential of my body. This trust was so liberating.

After the group came around, we drank tea, laughed and spoke of things well beyond my level of intellect before falling asleep with our mattresses pushed together to make one giant cosmic crib. 

I made peace with my experience and realized that my downloads will come in the day to day disciplines. My daily meditation, journaling and time spent with my thoughts. Aya showed me where to look and what was lurking in my subconscious, but she didn’t necessarily explain what I needed to do because, well, that would be too easy now wouldn’t it. 

For now, the experience feels complete, like I went full circle and intensely witnessed both ends of the spectrum of this human experience. The light, the dark, how they dance together and cannot exist without each other. The book is not finished, but the chapter is complete.

Until next time Grandmother. There is so much more to learn from you.